NOVATO, CA – In the wake of a terrorist investigation, a bigger fear sweeps across America; iPhone privacy issues.
“We need to see what the terrorist was planning, or what might still happen,” an agent said. “We don’t give a shit about your god damned selfies with half an eye closed or credit cards $75 below the limit.”
The issue isn’t the FBI digging through a dead terrorist’s phone to determine if there is a threat looming, it is the fact they are developing technology to unlock iPhones which will most likely end up in the wrong hands.
“O-M-G,” an insurance agency secretary tweeted. “There’s like, half a nip showing in most of my rejected selfies. If that ends up in the hands of the FBI, all of the news and gossip websites will be all over it. My 338 Instagram followers would be devastated.”
When asked about the new possibility of technology eventually being accessible to hackers, the woman replied “who cares about hackers? The real terrorists are people who see what I actually look like.”
“I have over 1200 dick-pics on my phone,” her boyfriend chimed in. “I put the phone underneath my junk and angle it so you can see me doing a hard af expression with devil horns. Sometimes you’ll end up seeing how microscopically endowed I really am. If my girlfriend’s friends see the real pictures, they’re going to unblock me to tell me the pics I randomly send them were all lies.”